"Mrs MacDonald, yer husband's been murrrdurrred!!"

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Detective Taggart, fictional character, who worked out of Maryhill police station in Glasgow, with a taciturn nature and straight-talking, no nonsense, no pussy-footing way of getting right to the point. I know he definitely did end one episode with that wondefully enigmatic, "Sometimes Ah wunder," because I watched it. However, the "quote," in the title of this post comes fom a Scottish comedian, whose name I don't recall, doing a Taggart take-off, in which he describes Mrs MacDonald's opening the door to sour-puss Detective Taggart who has come to deliver news of her missing husband. "Mrs MacDonald yer husband's been murrrdurrred," which causes the good lady to collapse!

I used to imagine that if I won the lottery, I would work to the end of the school term, but I have realised that would definitely not be a good idea! If I went to work the day after the news, I would be lucky to last an hour before I was escorted out of the place. When the girl with the skirt just barely covering her bum and the exotic spelling of her first name started making loud raspberry noises in class, would I give her, "..the opportunity to change your behaviour," or would I become even more taciturn than Taggart? "Shut up you stupid f*****g chav." Best not to go there!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if our journalists became at least a little more straight-talking! If every popular newspaper did it on the same day, Carter Ruck, acting for Kate and Gerry McCann, would find shutting them all up was like trying to herd cats.

Madeleine McCann, missing for nearly three years, still makes it into our newspapers nearly every day. After an outbreak following the Lisbon court case in February, that was the media equivalent of an attack of invasive aspergillosis, we had Kate and Gerry in full flow about all those leads that hadn't been followed up by those incompetent Portuguese police, only for them now to become quite miffed because the files have been made public and the result is that some of these so-called "credible," leads are looking more than slightly ridiculous.

Is there a Taggart in the house, who could re-word some of our newspaper reports and perhaps even a television schedule or two.

"Aled Jones welcomes Kate McCann, who will talk about how she has gained comfort from her Catholic faith," could become, "Serial child-neglector invited onto Christian radio show on Mothering Sunday because listener numbers have panned and we've got to do something."

A Taggart-type look at a few recent newspaper stories.

The Sunday Mirror 7/03/10

"Jane Blakie: I saw Madeleine McCann...but they ignored me."

Well, Jane, you're getting your delayed moment of fame now!

"Jane Blakie claimed a child who was the "spitting image" of the missing youngster had stared straight at her, adding the youngster had seemed to be saying: "Help me" with her eyes. The girl was said to be with a couple "strikingly similar" to an artist's impression of a man and woman seen with a Madeleine lookalike in Amsterdam."

"British police sent Mrs Blakie's report to their Portuguese counterparts, but no action was taken. Mrs Blakie saw the child in July 2008 - 14 months after Madeleine vanished - at a campsite in Alsace, eastern France.

She told police: "The girl just stood staring at me. The look in her eyes conveyed a feeling of 'Help me'."

"So, Mrs Blakie," says my imaginary Taggart, who doesn't subscribe to the use of the more modern "Ms," form of address, "you saw the world's most publicised missing wean and you waited until you got home to tell your local poliss about this emergency? I think they might have scarpered bay noo, Mrs Blakie, if it wiz hur in the furst place."

Today Ms Blakie, your time has come to shine! ("...like an effin' great big pluke on ma chin," says Taggart!)

"A BRIT who reported seeing Madeleine McCann at a campsite in France was IGNORED by Portuguese cops searching for the missing girl.

Tourist Jane Blakie said she was stared at by a girl who was "the spitting image" of Maddie.

She added: "The look in the girl's eyes conveyed a feeling of 'Help me'."

Mrs Blakie's son backed up her account." The Sun 8/03/10

Taggart: "Mrs Blakie was probably IGNORED because she wiznae making much sense. The stupid scunner ae a dozy moo shoulda ca'd the French poliss aboot this wee wean. An' that poor wee wean wiz probably beggin' fur help cos there wiz this weird wumman starin' it hur."

The Irish Independent adds this to the regurgitated story:

"British police described her as a "credible witness".

Taggart: "Must be Sassenach poliss, then".

The Daily Mirror does a very brief synopsis of the rather stale tale and adds this detail:

"Ms Blakie and her son Alexander both gave statements to Tayside police on their return to the UK."

Sources close to Detective Taggart comment that the police officer will seek legal advice in an effort to clear the good name of this Scottish police force. Detective Taggart is quoted as saying, "We wiz infulltrat'd bay poliss fae Lesta. We widda' arrestit the silly wumman fur wastin' poliss time."

Oh wouldn't it be wonderful to see our newspapers printing this kind of illustrative comment from Himself at Good Quality Wristbands

(Father Ted image above also from "Good Quality Wristbands.")